A dream, a realization, and a rejuvenated love
A DREAM: It was one of the weirdest dreams ever, which featured a lot of rugby players and a lot of blurred faces. I was angry at one point in the dream–and I literally felt that anger bubble inside me when I woke up–but the one thing that stayed with me when I woke up was the feeling of touch–I was hugging someone so tightly because I wanted to make him whole. And the lines: Let it go. Let it go. You need to let it go. I remember the man say that he couldn’t, but I won’t have it, so I hugged him, wanting him to accept me, and swallow me, and consume me, just so he could be fine.
When I woke up, I never figured out who it was–all I know was that he was taller–and the dream still bothered me up to now.
Vivid dreams, for the win.
A REALIZATION: A couple of days ago, I was chatting with this guy, a guy whom I truly loved at one point in my life, a love which I allowed to break me. That last phrase there is actually huge for me, as it took me a LONG time before I realized that it wasn’t him per se that broke me–it was my love for him that broke me. I allowed that love–and subsequently the anger, bitterness, disappointment, and whatnot that came along with it–to break me, to make me burn relationships and friendships, to shape who I was for the succeeding years after that. I was amused at how easy it still was to talk to him, how I felt light every time he and I talk, and how he still manages to make me laugh. He was, after all, what I could call my favorite best friend (and while I do want to expound as to what I mean by this, I won’t, in respect to the other best friends who came before and after him).
I had always thought that I needed to stay away from the men and the guys I had fallen in love with–and he was no exception to this rule–as I always make that mistake of going back and falling in love with them all over again. I was the what-if-and-what-has-been type of person; I have a tendency to be stuck in the past because I love how it was (and I do know that that is a bad thing). But while he and I were talking, I realized I can do it. That after completely moving on and after acceptance and other big life realizations, I can do it. That it is possible to be friends with someone who moved your life and caused tidal waves of changes that rippled into your future and your present.
And then another realization hit me: it isn’t for every previous love that I had. Which is a good and a bad thing.
A REJUVENATED LOVE: Books! I want to party because I have lots of books right now. I don’t want to function anywhere else because I just want to read. I have The Night Circus, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Book Thief, Tuesdays with Morrie, The Happiness Project, and tons more books to finish. (I have a goal of 30 books for 2012, btw.)
I’ve got a thing, you know. My passion for writing and reading turn off at the same time, which is BAD. Or worse. Or wait–check that, WORST. I’m at my blank state when I don’t read and write. But this time, my reading mojo is back. Now where’s the writing part? I think somebody kicked the writing version of myself on the ground, pounded it until it’s black and blue, and it still hasn’t recovered yet. Well, I do think we can consider this blog entry as a start.
Can anyone find my writing self and stuff it back inside me, sew it like Wendy did to Peter Pan’s shadow? I NEED it right now.
P.S. I think we should re-title this blog entry as A BLOG ENTRY WITH VERY RANDOM THINGS INSIDE IT.
P.P.S. Please do watch out, I am trying to come up with my book review for The Art of Fielding. So many words for a good great book.
