Confessions Chapter 30: Thomas

Dear Joseph,

Since you’re reading this, I know I’m dead. It has to be the reason and not because you came to my study, sneaked around, and found the box of letters I have left for you. These are enough to last you five years if you read every day—152 years if you read once a month, but I don’t suggest that. Maybe once every week?

Anyway, I knew from the moment I gave birth to Tommy and survived that there had to be a tradeoff. I went to the doctor—my cardiologist—just to check if my heart’s fine. It isn’t. I have a hole in my heart, Joseph, and doc said it will only be a while for it to impact me and my life. Apparently, his “a while” took four years, and I am thankful for that. Four whole fun-filled years with you and our son is priceless.

You have to forgive me. The doctor gave me the option to go into surgery to patch that hole, but I didn’t want to. I could die in that surgery, and I am not about to cut my life short with you and Tommy just because I am hoping that that same operation would extend it. I couldn’t risk it. I’d rather live each day with you and Tommy to the fullest rather than die (again) on the operating room. I made that choice, and you’re reading this now because finally my heart gave way.

Thank you—for making me happy each day. For being the man, the husband, the best friend, the lover that I can ever need. Thank you for being a fantastic dad to our son—I know I left him in good hands, and you’d do good raising him. Please be patient with him. Tommy is practically in his formative years, and I won’t be there anymore to answer his gazillion questions. Try to answer as many as you can, and if he gets pretty pilosopo, tell him that some things in life are better left unanswered. That excuse works for me sometimes, even though I am not so sure if it is proper to tell him that.

And I’m giving you free reigns—please find another love. Find another woman you could spend your life with. Just make sure she takes care of you and Tommy or I swear, I’ll haunt you from the grave if I feel that that woman is mistreating you and our son. I want you to be happy, Joseph, and if that happiness lies in you being with another, I’ll be okay with it. Just make sure she takes care of you and Tommy. I mean it when I said I’ll haunt you, okay?

I love you. And I think all these years I’ve proven that even though I’ve gone through tough and painful times realizing that I actually do love you. Always remember that.

I’ll wait for you on the other side.

I love you always and forever,

Carlie

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P.S. Please make sure my letters to Joshua, Kiefer, Bryce and Dad gets to them.

P.P.S. I love you, Joseph Chua

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Confessions Chapter 29: Come What may

Bucket List

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The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

-Christian, Moulin Rouge

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When you know that the end is near, what should you do?

I had a checklist. Every moment I am closer and closer to my due date, I tried to cross out as many stuff on the list as possible.  Of course I couldn’t do bungee jumping or cliff diving—Joseph would kill me first before allowing me to do that—but I was able to watch a movie alone, have a roadtrip just by myself, try and complete a marathon (okay, I walked, alright?) with Joseph, and watch twenty more starry nights with my husband.

And then there were the letters—the letters I wrote for every single day after Joseph and I got married, both for him and for our baby. Not once have I failed to write—no matter how mundane what I would write would be, or no matter how nonsensical the stuff I wrote are—I just want Joseph to remember me and for my son to know me.

The great Michael Jordan once said: “Obstacles don’t have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.” I have met so many obstacles in this life—no matter how short it may have been. I have given up (so there goes screwing up the MJ quote) but then I go back, and fight. I won’t have Joseph now if I didn’t fight. I won’t have my dad, Ryan, with me now if I didn’t take risks. I wouldn’t have met Kiefer, wouldn’t have met Bryce, wouldn’t even have attended an Academy Awards night if it weren’t for all those risks I took (haha).

I am thankful for everything—everything in this life—the good, the bad, the Kiefer, the Joseph, the Alcide, the Bryce, the Ramon, and the Ryan.

And my baby.I have all the love in this world that I can ever need.

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Listening to: Come What May by Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGreggor (Moulin Rouge)

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Confessions Chapter 28: Take Three

Warning: Longest chapter of Confessions EVER. haha :)

Happy Endings

Posted April 10

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“What if you waited for your special someone your whole life and later on learn that no one is waiting for you? True love is worth taking chances for. Sometimes you don’t know why things work out, they just do.”

-The Lakehouse

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I never was a fan of happy endings because I thought they weren’t meant for me. All my life, all the “chapters” I thought that would have ended happily or have stayed happy—with little or no conflicts, if it was entirely possible—have ended up going horribly wrong at some point. There will be a point in our lives when all we believe is that happy endings are all just in fairy tales, that they are just false hopes and fake ideals for the things and stories that we can’t have. That sad endings are the realities of life. That heartbreak and pain are the daily bread and butter.

But one day, you’ll realize that we have to travel our own roads to our happy endings. Ariel—at least in Disney’s version—didn’t get to be with Eric if she didn’t sacrifice her voice in order for him to know her. Snow White had to die, for Pete’s sake, just so the Prince Charming could come and save her. Philip had to go through thorny vines clinging to hundred-foot walls of the castle and fight monsters just so he could wake Sleeping Beauty up with a kiss. Shrek—yes, I am going to include this here—had to fight through people who discriminate the way he looks and look down on his position in the society just so he could be with Fiona, who eventually had to give up her beautiful looks to be with Shrek. That is true love.

Sacrifice.

Faith.

Strength.

Determination.

And courage—courage to take risks. Courage to fight for the love we all deserve… in the right time.

And courage—courage to give up when the love isn’t right.

My road to Joseph was long, twisted, thorny and filled with horrible haunted trees. I had to go through three tall mountains which were probably like Mt. Fuji in height and swim through South China Sea just to get to him. I had to hurt people important to me just so I could be with him. I’m not proud of that. Sometimes I wonder why he and I can’t have it easy. It’s either I’m with another man or he’s with another woman. Or he’s my sibling and then he’s not. Or I’d make stupid choices or he would make stupid choices.

But the long and twisted travel to Joseph is worth it.

He’s all worth it.

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Listening to: All I Really Need is You by Neil Diamond

Confessions Chapter 27: The Art of Letting Go

Author’s note: Should you have any difficulties reading the images below, click on them to go to the full-sized versions :)

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Time Out

Posted August 4

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“He & I, it’s something wonderful

It’s so dysfunctional

It couldn’t last

I loved him so, but I let him go

Coz I knew he’d never love me back.

Near to you, I am healing but it’s taking so long

And though he’s gone

And you are wonderful

It’s had to move on

Yet, I’m better near to you

You and I have something different

And I’m enjoying it cautiously

I’m battle scarred; I am working oh-so-hard

To get back to who I used to be.”

-Near to You, A Fine Frenzy

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It’s tiring—being  here. Being this kind of horrible human to practically everyone. Hurting people just to be happy.

NOT FUN.

And there’s too much letting go going on that I am having a hard time keeping up with them. Seriously. Sometimes I ask myself why people get together if they have to just be horrible to each other, hurt each other, and then just let each other go.

Yes, sometimes I wished I hadn’t loved at all. Maybe some would think I am heartless. I hurt so many people just to get here. Just to be with Joseph.

And although deep inside I know I am better and things are better when I’m with him, I know I’m still a bad person for letting all these happen.

And yes, I know. I know. I should stop all these negativity. Not good for the baby.

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Listening to:Near to You by A Fine Frenzy

Confessions Chapter 26: Breathe Again

He’s the air I would kill to breathe

Posted August 1

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“And my burden to bear is the love I can’t carry anymore.

All I am, all I need—he’s the air I would kill to breathe.

Holds my love in his hands

Still I’m searching for something

Out of breath, I am hoping that someday

I’ll breathe again.”

-Breathe Again, Sara Bareilles

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There are three things I am sure of:

1. Having that long-ass talk with my father sort of helps make decision-making easier.
2. That I have made my choice three years ago and now I have to own up to it
3. That no matter how many times I have said I am strong when it comes to love, apparently I am still a coward

He is the one that I need.

And maybe now I will fight.

Maybe now he’ll fight with me.

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Listening to: Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles

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Confessions Chapter 25: Chaos and Confusion

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Posted March 28

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I should be happy. Twice I had defied what the doctors had said. But this time, just like the one before, I don’t know if I should be happy that it’s happening. Because I am so happy already. Kiefer and I are doing so fine. And then this happens.

It was the first time ever in my life that I saw him walk out and I just didn’t have a clue if he’d come back. I was definite that he’d become so full of me, of the trouble I bring into his life, of all the pain I’ve caused him. It was the first time ever that I knew I just hurt him too much that he would just walk away and I know I wouldn’t run after him because he has every right to do so.

If I were another person, I’d hate myself. I am sure of that.

But right now all I want is for Kiefer to come back. He has to. I need him.

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Listening to: Suicide by Rihanna

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Confessions Chapter 24: Last Second Chance

How many chances do I get?

Posted March 15

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So God gave me Joseph and then took him away when Dad—yes, I am still calling him that—said he was my brother. And then he gave me Joseph back when he was in my life as my half-brother. Gave him to me another time when I found out that after all this time, he never was related to me in any way. But that last part? It’s a double-edged sword. He was given to me to love but I actually just threw it away. But he loves me, and I have hurt him so many times I actually lost count (and I bet he wasn’t counting either). Those are what? Four or five chances? And that’s just with Joseph alone.

And then Kiefer. God gave me Kiefer and then he screwed up. But that screw up gave me Joshua. And then I sort of gave him another chance and it gave us Alcide. And then Alcide was taken away from me and Kiefer. I met Bryce—another blessing—but we both screwed it up. How many chances was that?

And now I am back to Kiefer. To my square one. To that person who probably had never turned his back on me even though I just fed him all the reasons to do so. He loved me with everything he is. And he stayed (but then again Joseph also stayed, but that’s another story). THIS IS MY LAST SECOND CHANCE, and I won’t screw it up again, I promise.

This time, I’ll make the most out of this. This time… it’s all me and him. If we have to go against the world, I’d fight it along with him.

I hope he’d fight along with me too.

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Listening to: This Time by John Legend

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Confessions Chapter 23: Sucker Punch

End of game

Posted February 10

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One thing I loved about basketball was that it has four quarters. You have four chances—forty-eight minutes—to make it right. If you fail to make it right and you’re at a standstill, there is still overtime.

You still have other chances to win the game—given that you’ve exerted all your effort in making it happen.

But in life, however, there are no four quarters, no forty-eight minutes, no five-minute overtimes. Sometimes, one chance is all you get.

Sometimes, in life, the game ends in the first half.

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Listening to: Signal Fire by Snow Patrol

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Confessions Chapter 22: Choices

Apparently, there is something else I am good at (aside from hurting him)

Posted January 8

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Start of the new year and I had spent it with two of the more important men in my life: Kiefer and Joshua. (Yes, I used more, because as of the time being, Joseph is still the “most”). How come I am spent it with them?

Well, apparently I had to make a couple of choices once I am back. One was to pursue the road that is Joseph, and the first step in doing that is to actually ask him to talk to him. The hard thing about that option is to actually get Joseph to talk to me, as he practically hates me and even the sight of my shadow and the sound of my name makes him go scram (okay, I am exaggerating).

The other choice was to bring back the status quo that was there before I left for the States—me with Kiefer and Joshua playing house, while Joseph has his own sane little life. But then again, there is Anya. Anya who seems to be bent on making me and Joseph okay again.

Honestly, I don’t get it with this girl. Yeah, she probably wants the world to be a better place, I get it, but she doesn’t have to fix every strained and broken relationship on the planet to do that. Maybe Joseph’s giving her a hard time ever since I got back. Maybe that’s why she really wants me and Joseph to fix things.

I hope she knows that me and Joseph talking might (I should put it this way: MIGHT) have the possibility of leaving her boyfriend-less and heartbroken.

But then again my shoutfest with my dear friend Jeff made me realize a lot of things—or not. Actually, it was just two things: one is that I am good at hurting him, and the “him” here can apply to either Joseph or Kiefer, two of the guys who have done nothing but just plainly love me. Why is it just so damn horrible to love me? People who do just end up getting hurt.

And the other thing was that I was good at running away. Not something I wanted to be proud of, but frankly, I don’t blame Jeff for thinking that.

This time, I won’t do that. No more.

I am done running away.

As for hurting ‘him,’ that I can’t be sure of.

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Listening to: Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap

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Confessions Chapter 21: Empty

Maybe I’m trying, trying too hard

Posted December 28

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Maybe we’re trying, trying too hard

Maybe we’re torn apart

Maybe the timing is beating our hearts

We’re empty

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Yeah, maybe this is what I am. I am empty.

As soon as the plane landed and I learned that there is a game today involving Brooke Gin Kings, I didn’t hesitate. I drove to the nearby hotel, checked in, and found myself in a cab on my way to Araneta Coliseum. This is me. This is my chance at a new life.

It’s just that the people who I want in my new life, they look like they don’t want in. Actually, it’s just one person. That one person I need most.

I’ll just try. Desperately try.

Because even if I hate to admit it even to myself, people have moved on. They aren’t the same people that they were when I left them. I shouldn’t expect them to maintain the life that they had before I left.

But I will still try.

Even when this means breaking myself even more.

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Listening to: Empty by Click Five

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