Track #12 Chapter 13: Smile

And that’s why I smile
It’s been a while
Since every day and everything has felt this right
And now, you turned it all around
And suddenly you’re all I need
The reason why I, I, I
I smile

-Smile, Avril Lavigne (2011)

–

“Ma, Dada said I can be a commercial model. Can I be a model?”

I flashed Marc a glare as he entered my study with Katherine propped on his shoulders. My daughter, five years young, her wavy hair curling and teasing her cheeks, was a female version of her father. Her eyes, brown with flecks of blue, were big round orbs that shine bright. She has dimples on both cheeks and her smile was the same smile as her dad’s. The turquoise heart ring that I was once wearing around my neck was dangling around hers now, as she is the keeper of my and her father’s hearts.

She was good with words, something she got from me, but her father got her started with ballet this early. Turns out our little girl can dance too.

I stopped writing and I turned to the man that my daughter is calling her ‘Dada.’ Marc is Katherine’s godfather, along with Baron, but it appears our little Kat prefers Marc more over Baron. Well, I don’t blame her. Marc appears taken with my daughter, like she’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. In fact, Marc spoils Kat even more than Neil and I do.

Marc lifted her off his shoulders and placed her in front of me. She hugged me, and I kissed her on her hair. “Yes, love, you can be a model, but maybe when you’re older,” I said, and she squealed in delight. She was running out of the study, saying she’s going to prepare (for what, I didn’t hear), and I look up at Marc, exasperated.

“Marc—” I started, and he winked at me. He still was cute and handsome despite being in his late thirties. I wonder when he’ll find The One.

“I know, I know. I am spoiling your baby. But she’s just so freaking adorable, L,” he reasoned out, leaning against my table.

Track #12 Chapter 12: Remember How to Put Back the Lights in my Eyes

Marc was on the bed lying next to me, still and silent but not asleep. The barricade was now gone, our fingers barely touching between us. I could hear his breathing almost in tune in mine, but there was something amiss at the way he was breathing that bothers me, that nagging feeling just tugging at the corners of my head.

Not Neil, my brain is telling me.

When Marc and I went back to the room a couple of hours ago, he went to his baggage and fished a tattered white envelope. He handed it to me, and when I reached inside, I saw about eight letters. When I inspected them, I saw they were letters, each written on the day of the month when the assault happened, eight letters to signify the eight months we were apart. Though Nate had told him off, Marc still remembered. He never forgot, and never forgave himself.

I kissed him on the cheek as I read each of the letters, Marc intent on watching me as I do.

And now, a couple of hours later, I was staring at the ceiling, my head reeling with Marc’s words in the letters. He cared. In fact, I do think he loved me but he was just too late. The day after he ‘assaulted’ me, he already realized he lost me. He realized what he lost—and that was what he wrote in one of the letters: I knew what I lost the minute I let you walk out that night after I hurt you. I lost the person I hadn’t realized I loved. It was stupid. And unforgivable. And this is my punishment.

But he wanted to give me time and space.

And even though he was seeing Celes, he kept on saying in his letters—I am with Celes, but Celes is not you, L. She can’t measure up to you.

The last letter, written a couple of days before this trip, said: Celes and I are fighting again. I think she found and read my letters to you. There is this part of me that was glad she read them so I wouldn’t have to tell her, but… I love you, L. Please come back to me. I need you back. I’m here now. I’m waiting.

Track #12 Chapter 11: You Don’t Get to Get me Back

Dear, took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the lights in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

Coz you broke all of your promises

And now you’re back

You don’t get to get me back

- Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri

–

I woke up fairly early—four in the morning, which was bad since I only slept a couple of hours ago. The night person in me is still alive no matter how peaceful and calming Batanes is. I saw that Marc was still asleep on the other side of the “barricade,” a setup we had employed ever since he and I decided we’d sleep on the same bed.

I tiptoed out of the room as quietly as possible. I carried my not-so-useful cellphone with me to light my way, but this time, I couldn’t stop the creaking of the stairs as I headed down. It was still a bit dark—the sun still hasn’t risen yet—and I found my way back to the hotel’s lobby.

I sat down on the couch, and it let out a soft squish under my weight. My eyes landed once again the piano. This instrument is really teasing me ever since we got here. And it’s been a while since I last played the piano—that is, if you call three months as “a while.” What if I play one song—and screw waking up everybody who’s still asleep?

I walked over to the piano, dusting off the cover before lifting it. It locked back, revealing the black and white keys that are pristine and clean. They looked like they haven’t been used in ages. I hit one key and was amused that the sound that came out was crystal clear, so I knew whatever I am going to play would sound nice, if not perfect.

I took a deep breath, taking a seat, positioning my hands on the piano.

And then I started to play the song that Neil made me listen to a few months ago, during Track #5.

Track #12 Chapter 10: And now you want me one more time

These feelings I can’t shake no more

These feelings are running out the door

I can feel it falling down

And I’m not coming back around

These feelings I can’t take no more

This emptiness in the bottom drawer

It’s getting harder to pretend

And I’m not coming back around again

-Remember When, Avril Lavigne (2011)

–

TRACK #10: Life stage. I know one of these days you’d have to get out of the cage you’ve encased yourself in (with me) and talk to Marc. You can’t escape him forever. You had a life that once had him in it. Your world revolved around him for six years, Leia. You have common friends with him, and you have a gang. You had a life with him even though he didn’t seem to have appreciated you as much as we both have liked.

I wouldn’t say I was thankful that he didn’t give you what you deserve because I wouldn’t be in your life it he had, because he had hurt you.

And even though you think you’re a hundred galaxies away from that life, there’s no escaping the past.

I know you think you’ve already moved on, but Leia—I can still feel that you’re angry. That you’re still hurting. And I want you to get rid of that anger. I want you to throw every bit of pain he gave you, every bit of anger you’ve had for him, and every bit of self-depreciating words that you told yourself during the span that you loved him back at him. This could be very tiring, but trust me—aside from being cathartic, it’s part of moving on.

Not everyone gets this chance, Leia. Not everyone gets a second chance to have a go at their object of pain, anger, and non-moving on.

Not everyone gets the chance to make someone a better person.

Take this chance, Leia. Grab it.

I’ll be here. I’ll wait for you.

I was about to turn off the iPod when Neil’s voice came back on.

P.S. Show him stars, babe.

I grinned, shaking my head.

Stars.

I remember last night while he was ‘discovering’ me, he saw the tattoo that I had inked on me in between hating Marc and meeting Neil—three stars with sizes in decreasing order, dotting the right side of my abdomen, in equal distances from my right breast  leading to my navel.

“Is this some sort of constellation or something?” he asked, whispering against my skin as he kissed them one by one. I shivered, saying, “Nope. Just some random thing. I like stars.”

Neil looked up at me, his eyes twinkling. “I like them,” he said, before proceeding, a weird smile on his face.

And then just this morning, while watching me prepare for the trip, he quipped, “Those stars make you look even more sexier.” His eyes were fixated on those three stars. I rolled my eyes, still not forgiving him for making me go on this trip. I was there, in an internal conflict, and he tells me while I am putting on my underwear that the stars make me look sexier.

Only Neil can do that.

So what does he mean by that—showing Marc the stars?

Or did he mean literally—like make Marc see stars by physically clobbering him?

That somehow sounds like a very good idea. *evil grin*

–

Track #12 Chapter 9: Don’t Come Back For Me

Next time I’ll be braver,
I’ll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I’ll be braver,
I’ll be my own savior
Standing on my two feet

-Turning Tables, Adele (2011)

–

Frantic knocks woke me up, and I nudged Neil, willing for him to open the door in my place. He groaned, shoving my hand away, muttering, “Lei, come on. Your place.”

I groaned—more like growled—back, but I forced myself out of the bed, my hair in disarray, grabbing an oversized shirt to pull over my body. I was already at the door when I stopped to fix myself, and in the process, I managed to glance at the clock on the wall of my small kitchen.

Holy fudge. Neil and I had just started to sleep a couple of hours ago. What the hell?

“Why on earth are you banging on my door at four in the morning?” I said almost in a snarl, and I was stopped by Nathan and Andy, half-smiles on their faces. I pulled back on my anger.

“What…?” I said cluelessly, and Nathan stepped forward and gave me the biggest hug the world could ever muster. I even felt my body relax, and that’s when I realized how much I missed Nate.

Track #12 Chapter 8: Let Me Feel

And I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?

Running ‘round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

Tearing love apart

You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul

Don’t come back for me

Who do you think you are?

- Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri

Chapter 8: Let Me Feel

Let me feel, I don’t care if I break down
Let me fall even if I hit the ground
And if I die a little, cry a little
At least I know I lived
Just a little

-Let Me Fall, Bethany Joy Galleoti, One Tree Hill

I left the hotel with Neil still snoring softly. He fell asleep while we were playing Word Search, the traditional style. On the way home, we dropped by a 24-hour grocery store and he pointed out the word search book to me. We bought it, and we have solved about twenty puzzles before he succumbed to sleep. I enjoyed drawing on his abdomen while he was asleep, I tell you. I hope he would find my Spongebob, Tom & Jerry, and Pikachu eyebrow pencil artwork on his tummy amusing.

Unconsciously, my hand touched the ring around my neck. Commitment. Promise. Union. Engagement. Heavy words, I know, but it didn’t bother me. To be honest, I had a dream last night, and it was one of the best dreams I ever had.

In my dream, I was with Neil. With Neil. We were at this bench, his arm around my shoulder, watching two beautiful kids running around the park as they played with a kite shaped like a teddy bear. I think those were my kids. Our kids.

I have a feeling it’s my subconscious telling me what I needed to know.

–

Track #12 Chapter 7: Somewhere Only We Know

I took out the iPod and the note that came with it. Open in flight, after the flight attendants are done boring you—okay, check that—telling you about your only means of survival when you’re on the airplane. Play Track #8.

I grinned. Give it to Neil to make me smile. He always found ways to make me smile. The past three months with him, though always in a blur, was fun. And happy. And fulfilling. Though there are some moments that happen in milliseconds that make me feel as if… I am cheating. That this is not reality. That this is just a means of escape.

But Neil is just making it so easy—to escape, to live again, to explore again.

And maybe even to love again.

So after the flight had actually taken off and we were given the immigration forms to fill up, I took out the iPod, searched for Track #8, and pressed play.

TRACK #8: I never knew your job will take you away from me. We’re just starting, and you’re leaving me. Why? Why, Leia, why?

Neil said it so dramatically and so painfully true it was almost believable. He laughed as I smiled, shaking my head. Gosh, I already miss him. Why do I have to be in Singapore again?

Right. Because of my TV series, Ang Mundo ko ay Ikaw, has gained a huge following here in Singapore. They translated the title to My Whole World is You, along with dubbing the lines of the actors and actresses.

And because of the huge fan base, the network deemed it was only proper that we say our thanks—our personal thanks.

So they fly the director, producer, head writer (See? They put premium on the writer somehow), and the lead actors and actresses all the way to Singapore.

And I welcomed this. It’s not every day you get to fly for free to another Asian country and all you have to do is smile and say thanks for supporting our show. Or maybe I don’t even get to talk because nobody really cares about the writers, which is a sad reality. When watching a movie, you care about the actors and the directors, but not the writers. Much more in TV series. Give me one TV series that you’ve watched where you actually know who the head writer is.

Okay. I heard silence.

I am right.

It is amazing where your writing takes you. No, don’t take it negatively. I am so proud of you, Leia.

But wait. Even if you’re in Singapore, you’re not safe from our game. National Library, Bugis. 5PM, Thursday. Find Prince William and Kate Middleton.

In other news, you can play the playlist While you’re Away in this iPod while you’re travelling.

I miss you already.

I scrolled through the While you’re Away playlist that Neil was pertaining to. The first song I noticed was Miley Cyrus’ I Miss You. I stopped myself from choking with my and Neil’s morbid laughter. The song was written by Cyrus for her dead grandfather, and he’s making me listen to it. I bet he only checked out the title of the song and did not even listen to it.

The other songs in the list included Bruno Mars’ Just the Way You Are, James Morrison’s You Make It Real, Adele’s Crazy For You and our (unintended) theme song One and Only, Allison Krauss’ Now That I’ve Found You, Avril Lavigne’s Wish You Were Here, Keane’s Somewhere Only We Know, Beyoncé’s Halo, Blink 182’s Stay Together for the Kids (just coz he saw me rocking out to this song one day when he dropped by my place, complete with air guitar and air drums), The Corrs’ All the Love in the World (I told him more than once before that I actually miss this band), among others.

When I scrolled further, I saw that the playlist he has organized will play for a good four hours—the total time of the flight from Manila to Singapore.

I played Track #8 again.

Find Prince William and Kate Middleton.

What?

I was clueless. Maybe when I get to the National Library I would find those two royalties.

 –

Track #12 Chapter 6: I Have Grown Too Strong

I had to make things a bit more exciting for my Track #6, so I had to reel Danny and Sal in, because they’re all my only real connections to Neil. I don’t have his number. Funny, you’d think in this modern age, I would have gotten his number, found his Facebook and/or Twitter page, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I feel like I’m desecrating whatever game Neil and I were playing if I made any other connection aside from our game.

I found Danny, working in his studio, teaching teeny tiny kids, girls of between three and eight years old learning ballet. They looked so cute and adorable that I wanted to hang out, but I had to leave—thanks to another creative workshop. Seriously, I think I have to hold on to Neil’s words that I have to stop.

He held up a hand when he saw me come in, and I stood there, watching him teach the kids about pirouettes and side leaps and first, second, third, fourth and fifth positions. After ten minutes, he walked over to me, towel and bottle of water in hand.

“You are so patient,” I told him, and Danny grinned, pulling me into a half-hug. “I trust you and Neil are doing good?” he said, and I nodded. I handed him the iPod, and he was shaking his head, that grin still plastered on his face.

“I see you guys are still playing the game.”

I shrugged, turning to leave. “It’s fun so far. And it keeps me and him on exciting ground,” I said, and he rolled his eyes. “See you in class tomorrow, L.”

I waved him my goodbye, and then I headed to Sal’s record shop. He perked up in his seat when he saw me come in, and I walked over to him and gave him a hug.

“I have a favor to ask,” I said when I released him, and he winked at me. “If this has anything to do with Neil, then consider it done,” Sal said, and I gave him a gentle smile. Neil is a nice person surrounded by equally nice people. Why can’t my world be like that?

“I need an album, but I think I know where I can find it,” I said, and he held out his hands as if letting me take the reins. “You know the drill, L,” he said, and he went back to the comics he was reading. I think it was Thor this time.

I walked over to the heartbreak section, ran through the albums there, found the one I was looking for, and stuck the notebook and my note.

I gave Sal one more hug before leaving.

Track #12 Chapter 5: I Learned to Live Half-Alive

I hear you’re asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

And I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

- Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri

–

I presented the CD to Danny that same night, driving to the studio at ten in the evening just to catch Danny closing up shop. I also returned the iPod, with a note that said, “I figured you need to revise something.”

Danny frowned, eyeing the iPod in his hand, and he couldn’t stop but ask, “Giving up already?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said, a small smile on my face. “I think after Neil listens to my song, he needs to revise the next tracks that he put on the iPod. I’m all in this game, Danny. He’s making life a little bit more worthwhile.”

Danny shrugged, pocketing the iPod, and then I bid him goodbye.

 –

The next day, the sound of the doorbell woke me up. I hobbled out of bed, still sleepy, wondering who would wake me up at ten in the morning when I had only went to bed at six. I barely even tried to fix myself—I just went.

And when I opened the door, no one was there. And like in the movies, I looked down.

At my doorstep was the iPod, with its bright neon pink earbuds wrapped around it. Lying next to it was a single red tulip, its petals still glistening with water, so I knew it was fresh. Around the tulip’s stem was a handwritten note coming from Neil. Now that is a very effective wakeup call.

I picked both the iPod and the tulip, and then headed back into my apartment. I untied the note from the tulip’s stem, amused at the homemade stationary, the type that was made from onion skin paper that was dipped in what smelled like coffee. It will be too much if he’s the one who made this stationary.

It’ll always be full moon and bright stars with me, Leia. No overcasts, no cloudy skies. I couldn’t do away with midnight, but I’ll try my best to be there when midnight comes again. I will keep you safe. -Neil

I am not one to believe in promises right away, especially made by a person I haven’t truly met, and by someone whom I haven’t talked to face-to-face part from the first time we met.

But I am playing his game.

I just hope this is the only game he’s planning to play with me, and not a game with my heart.

 –

Track #12 Chapter 4: You Lost the Love I Love the Most

Dance class.

No, I am not abandoning writing. One of the advantages of having your heart broken and starting a road to self-discovery ala-Eat Pray Love style is that it produces more stories and more blog entries, which makes my production outfits, editors and directors all so happy.

But I still have to pamper myself, right?

Aside from baking and other cooking classes plus some piano lessons, one of my weird ways of coping is heading to dance class. I have taken hiphop, jazz, ballet, pole and belly dancing, and Latin dance. And today (and for the next sixteen sessions in two months), I’m doing contemporary.

Just to add something in the list. And to keep my belly flat after all the eating I’ve been doing.

You see, I binge eat. Especially when I’m sad. And stressed. And heartbroken.

So to compensate for all the eating I’ve been doing, I’ve been working out… through dancing.

Contemporary.

If you watch So You Think You Can Dance like I do, you would get why I went for this genre. My most favorite performances are mostly contemporary—Mia Michael’s Gravity (Addiction), Travis Wall’s How it Ends and Fix You, Mandy Moore’s Falling Slowly, among others. There are some hiphop routines as well, and I can go on forever about my favorite routines, but I won’t bore you with that (but please do check Napoleon and Tabitha D’umo’s Outta Your Mind routine danced by Alex Wong and Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss. I would gush that Alex Wong is a ballet dancer).

So since I covered hiphop, jazz and a whole other slew of dances, contemporary was the next one.

I walked into the classroom in all its mirrored walls glory, greeted by a couple of other dancers who were already stretching on the bar. I deposited my gym bag along with the other bags on one corner of the room, took out my water bottle and my towel, and walked over to the bar. I was greeted by small smiles by the other ‘students’ in the room—Tempe and Michelle, seventeen-year-olds who are studying Fine Arts but have a weird passion for dancing as well, and Grant who is an aspiring ballet dancer. There were a couple other students that I have seen before but I didn’t know who they are because they aren’t the sociable type.

And then there is a new student.