IN MY HEAD: It’s been forever. And it’s a slow, slow, painful death. Like I’m taking some sort of poison.
REALITY: Day 8 on this ‘break.’ H is with the band on a photoshoot. I found out via Twitter. Those update accounts are doing some good things to me right now, even if CF told me to lay off them. She reckons that if H was on a break from me, then I should take a break from him too.
While I initially protested this suggested from CF, I realized she is a bit right, you know? One of the ‘highlights’ of that fight was that I was getting too much from his life and his career. “Maybe you have infused his life in yours too much. You need to get back into your own life.”
So I sulked for a few days, and then started to crawl my way back into my former social life, the one I had prior to meeting H and being in his world. I contacted C, D, and my bookstore friends, catching up.
But it can only do so much, you know?
There’s still this big, gaping hole, with the edges frayed and flapping, screaming for H in all ways possible.
I lay there, in the middle of Lil’s toys in the playroom, looking at the glow-in-the-dark solar system that her parents have pasted on the ceiling. I remember that night under the stars when I first poured my heart out to H. Had it been two solid years since our first “date?”
I mentally pressed that forward button in my head to that day of our second anniversary. We never had an official ‘date’—H had just pegged it January 11th because he liked it with all the 1’s. He asked me to go to his place immediately after work, and I did, taking my gift for him with me.
“I need you to close your eyes,” I remember him saying, as soon as I opened my mouth to greet him a happy anniversary. He didn’t even let me make another sound because he pressed his lips against mine. I smiled in the middle of the kiss—I loved spontaneous H—and when he pulled back, he reiterated his request.
I handed him first my gift—no, they’re not Beatles memorabilia, because his popstar ex already took care of that, and he placed it on the center table of the living room. I closed my eyes, and he held my hand as he led me further into his house. It was easy to just peak, but I didn’t, honoring the integrity of his surprise.
If my memory serves me right, he was leading me into the music room in his house, with its soundproofed walls and drum set and rows of guitars and other instruments. He instructed me to sit, helping me up a stool, and I did.
“What is going on, hun?” I asked, and his reply came in the form of a stolen kiss.
I heard him move away, his footsteps leading outside the room, and when he came back, there were even more footsteps so I knew we have some more company. My hearing became hyperaware, and I could sense the breathing of the other people in the room. It felt like they were surrounding me in a circle.
I heard H softly count, “One… two… three—” And then the singing began, the song so familiar it immediately brought a smile on my face.
When I opened my eyes, all five members of his band were around me, doing the song just how the original boyband who recorded the song did it: a cappella.
And I was in awe. It was *NSYNC’s I Thought She Knew—my most favorite song of my favorite boyband from waaaaaay back (just in case you’re curious, in order of favoritism: *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, A1, Westlife, and Blue). I always told H that I wouldn’t mind dropping a lot of money on them should these boys decide on doing a reunion show, even if it’s farfetched.
I turned on my stool slowly, their unique and gorgeous voices surrounding me: Z, L, T, N, and my H.
She was my once in a lifetime
Happy ending come true
Oh I guess I should’ve told her
I thought she knew
She said I took her for granted
That’s the last thing I would do
Oh I’ll never understand it
I thought she knew
I thought she knew my world revolved around her
My love light burned for her alone
But she couldn’t see the flame
Only myself to blame
I should have known… I should have known
A heart full of words left unspoken
Now that we’re through
I’d sell my soul to have this silence broken
Oh I thought she knew
I thought she knew
THEY CAN SING, YOU GUYS. I think they just harmonized the living daylights out of me, so much so that I was in tears when they finished singing.
“I know it isn’t the song that is fitting for this occasion, but I know how much you loved this song,” H said, as the other boys took a step back. “I couldn’t get the *NSYNC to do it, but I hoped this—”
He didn’t get to finish what he was saying, because I just accosted him with the biggest hug and kiss combination that I could muster.
“It’s perfect, H. So, so perfect,” I said, still crying, and I kissed him again. I turned to the other boys, and I deposited myself in their group hug. “Happy second anniversary, you guys,” they murmured, and I thanked each and every single one of their good souls.
I wish I recorded that moment. Because I remember that night, but it already blurs around the edges. That night when I knew that he loves me more than anything. That night when he would do such crazy things like make his own boyband cover another boyband song—an a cappella one at that.
But now I don’t know anything anymore.
I wish I knew when he started to feel the ‘drain;’ I wish I knew when he felt like he couldn’t give more than what I take.
Because I didn’t know when I should have known. I should have felt it, that the flame is slowly burning out. But I didn’t.
I miss H.
I miss him so badly.