One Day, Maybe (Not)

Dear You (yes, YOU)—

 

Here we are again. Full circle. A cycle, not a phase.

Every time you come around, I keep on thinking: Dexter + Emma. One Day.

And I don’t mean that as a good thing, you know? Because even if [SPOILER ALERT] they ended up together, after the long, drawn out, twenty-year love affair, something happened that made me think that they’re not really meant for each other after all (if you’ve finished the book, or watched the movie, you’d know what I’m talking about).

We’re at Year Ten already. There hasto be a better way to do this, other than your popping into my life whenever you want to and my letting you do that every single time. I don’t want to make it to twenty years because I know I’m better than that. I know I’m better than letting you string me along. I deserve better than that. (Yes, I know I do, so why in the hell am I still staying? Right. Coz I’m stupid.)

I already told you, you already know my ‘rules.’ And while I know I couldn’t demand such a thing from you—since I’m not in a position to do so—I think it’s the least you can do. After all the years that have passed. After everything.

Was it because you find me, every single time? Did I not hide well enough? Is my three times a charm change in mobile number not enough to escape your detective skills?

Maybe I let it take over me. The pity. The hey, maybe he needs someone to talk to, considering (his situation). Or the curiosity. The hey, what does he want to tell me now (not that it bodes well for me, since the last time curiosity kicked in, the cat didn’t know it was a suicide mission for her heart). Or that sliver of hope. The hey, maybe you’re staying around for much longer, that you’re finally choosing ME.

[I don’t know if you can still include love here, because I don’t really know what I feel towards you anymore.]

But it’s wrong. ALL WRONG. It shouldn’t be this way. Because ten years is a long time. It’s a decade. The last time we were ‘together,’ the hit mobile phone was the Nokia 3210 and the top social networking site was still Friendster. Boybands like Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC ruled the airwaves, and my favorite color was still blue. You were into Green Day and crazy covers by New Found Glory while I try to hide the fact that I still liked Hello Kitty even when I’m past the elem years.

It’s a long time.

But we’re still at this standstill, that stupid fork in the road. But I still wait for you even if I could just go the other way and forget you. I still regress instead of pushing forward; you manage to take me back in time instead of pulling me towards a future.

Maybe it’s really time. Ten years was a long time; I’ve had enough memories from you to make a very juicy, not-so-good-an-ending (non)love story.

Maybe I know that I’m better than just being your last resort.

Maybe I don’t wanna be an Emma to your Dexter anymore, waiting for you to come around and man up.

Maybe.

 

Without anymore love left,

Me