I’m going away for a while
But I’ll be back, don’t try to follow me
Coz I’ll return as possible
See, I’m trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes
And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We’ll run from them, from them
With no conviction
–Misguided Ghosts, Paramore
Day Twenty-Eight: I’m Going Away for a While
“How did you meet Jeff?”
I looked up from the green mangoes and bagoong and smiled at Sandra. “He’s the guy at the smoking area who doesn’t smoke. I see him almost everyday, and I was crushing on him big for the past year. I got the opportunity to meet him when I had an attack in the elevators, and he sort of saved me,” I explained.
“Attack?” asked Carlo, and I explained my condition. Jeff was listening intently—at least trying to, for I had caught him a few times, his eyes straying to Charlene’s direction. “And then you started to go out,” prompted Jade, and I nodded. “He’s a nice guy, and I’m glad I met him,” I replied, and Jeff smiled at me. He pulled me close and I leaned against him for a while before returning to my food.
“Are you good in singing?” asked Jonathan, and I shrugged. “I can carry a tune. Why?” I asked back, and he grinned. “We’re doing videokes tonight, so you better prepare your number. Jeff likes women who sing well,” he teased, and the rest of the table—with the exception of me and Jeff—laughed. Jeff just shook his head, shooting a glare towards Jonathan’s direction, and when I turned to Charlene, she was blushing.
“I am happy we’re finally complete,” Sandra said, and there was a murmur of agreement around the table. “And our family’s growing,” added Dennis, giving me and Mark small smiles. I returned his smile.
“And we’re welcoming the group’s first baby!” added Jade, clapping her hands in glee, and I sighed. I was feeling for Jeff’s reaction, and he was just smiling stupidly. They asked Charlene a myriad of questions about the baby and when she is giving birth. And then they talked about the last trip they had together, in Puerto Galera, which Charlene and Mark had missed. They were going down the route that I wasn’t familiar with, for they were talking about events that have happened before Jeff and I were together. I looked around the table and my eyes fell on Mark, who shrugged. He’s lost, too.
“Hey, hey, guys,” Jeff butted in, “We’ve got newbies here. Maybe y’all should be considerate of Raya and Mark here?”
I almost thanked him.
“Let’s go swim?” said Dennis, and everyone agreed. They paid for the food and we walked to the beach, and Jeff held my hand. “They like you,” he declared as we watched Jonathan, Carlo and Dennis race to get to the beach. Jonathan won, and Carlo and Dennis rewarded him by splashing him seawater. Gosh, these men are like kids.
“I like them too. They’re all nice people. I didn’t know Dennis was with you at Moire?” I asked, and he grinned. “He rarely goes out of the office, so I never got a chance to introduce him to you. The only time he’s probably less shy and goes out of his shell is when he’s with us,” Jeff explained, and I nodded. I removed the summer dress that I used to cover my bikini, and I saw the appraising look on Jeff’s face. He swallowed again as he stared at my entirety from head to foot.
“Can we skip swimming?” he teased, and I laughed, hitting him playfully on the arm. He removed his shirt and it was my turn to gape, for those washboard abs are hot. Those hours he spent in the gym are paying off, I tell you. He helped put sunblock on my back and I placed sunblock on his, and we ran to the beach, and Jeff got there before I did and splashed water on me. I glanced at the shore, and Charlene and Mark are walking slowly to follow us, taking their time. I smiled for they looked like a cute couple, and I saw the way Mark was looking at Charlene and knew how much he loves her.
Charlene stared back into Mark’s eyes, that same glistening thing going on, and I knew she feels the same.
The seawater hitting me on the face told me that I should get back to the matter at hand: enjoying Jeff.
He pulled me towards him and we sunk further down the beach, and when I emerged my hair was splayed all over my face, making Jeff laugh. As I fixed my hair—he amazingly has a ponytail in his pocket, for he knew I have moments when I just forget to bring one—into a pony, Jeff watched and he leaned over to kiss me.
I finished doing my pony and kissed him back and then released him.
“Block them out,” he whispered to me. I wasn’t sure whom he was referring to, but I blocked everyone out, and concentrated on cavorting in the waters with my dear Jeff.
It worked out well—at least for a couple of hours.
Jeff stared at her, the entire time she was singing.
Well, for one, I’ve got to give it to Charlene. She really has a very good singing voice—so good that I am almost embarrassed to actually go and sing after she did. But I don’t think that my guy (yes, I am calling Jeff that now) has every right to stare at his ex-fiancée when I am at his side.
Yes, I am jealous. And yes, that hurts too.
Jeff, however, after I finished belting out Heart’s Alone (I know, how apropos), told me that he’s proud of me. I thanked him, and that was before the lights had dimmed and the music was turned to slow. Dennis asked Jade to dance, Carlo asked Sandra, while Jonathan and James joked around and danced with each other. I was surprised by the next thing that happened next.
No, it wasn’t Jeff who asked me to dance.
It was Mark who did.
I looked up at him as he smiled at me warmly. “Can I have this dance?” he asked, offering his hand. I saw Jeff glaring at him, but he nodded begrudgingly. I reluctantly stood up and followed Mark to the makeshift dance floor inside the resthouse. He placed both his hands around my waist and I placed my arms around his neck, but I tried to keep my and his personal bubbles intact. We swayed slowly to the music—whoever thought of playing Careless Whispers should be hanged.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked him, my voice hard, and he shrugged. “For some reason, I want them to talk to each other. And the only way they’d do that is when we’re both not around—at least in some physical sense,” Mark explained, and I followed his line of sight. I saw Jeff walking over to Charlene, but he didn’t ask her to dance. Instead, he sat down next to her. Charlene gave him a warm smile, her eyes soft.
Jeff looked like he was about to devour her.
Kidding.
He looked at her like how he would have if they were still together up until now: eyes filled with pure, innocent, great love.
I nearly scowled. “You sure that’s a nice idea?” I asked Mark, not entirely believing that his plan is ever so flawless. He nodded. “Maybe you might think that this is not a good idea now, but you’ll see. It’s something that will help Jeff,” Mark said patiently, and I shook my head.
“I really can’t see that now, Mark.”
He gave me a thrifty smile. “After they broke up, Charlene hasn’t got a chance to talk to Jeff again. They were friends before they became lovers, Raya, and I knew that Charlene wanted them to remain that even if it looked impossible in the first place, especially after how much Jeff had hurt. But Charlene can’t move on either, especially if she knows how much burdened Jeff is after the breakup. And right now, both of them need to get this. They need to have their bullshit closure.”
I grinned at his term. “So you sincerely believe that after all this time, he still hasn’t gotten over her, even just a little?” I asked, and he twirled me around. “He has, a little, especially with you around. But you can’t heal a deep wound just by putting a band-aid over it, right? It won’t heal. You have to disinfect it with alcohol every once in a while. And then you have to remove the bandage at some point for it to fully heal. For the stitches to dry. For the wound to dry. And then all you have is a scar to remember the wound by.”
This time, I winced. “So I am the band-aid—bandage, whatever,” I said plainly, feeling the sting of Mark’s words a bit. I removed my hands around Mark and stepped away. “No, that was a bad analogy,” he said, and I shook my head. I turned and started to walk away, but Mark caught up with me. He grabbed me by the arm to make me stop. “I have been feeling all sorts of things before I got here, Mark. Thanks for making me feel better,” I said coldly, and I left him in the middle of the dance floor.
Doomed from the start. Everything about this—Jeff and I—is wrong, even back when we started. He didn’t want to go out with me at first because he knows deep inside he is still hung up with Charlene, but was forced to because the situation is already there. I should have gotten the picture and said no when he asked me to go out with him.
The minute I heard him mutter Charlene’s name in his sleep, I should have upped and walked away. But what did I do? Stayed and acted like nothing happened. Made out with him like there is no tomorrow. Acted like the girlfriend he hasn’t had in the past few months.
I lived my illusion, and now reality’s creeping up on me fast.
Jeff and I weren’t meant to take off—we’re just doomed from the start.
I watched as the grains of sand sieved through my hands. The moonlight and the calm beach were comforting, and the sea breeze played with my hair. I shivered in the cold, and to help ease it I buried my toes in the sand.
“Charlene told me before that when I talk, I don’t know how to control myself. I apologize—deeply—for whatever pain I might have caused.”
I looked up and saw Mark, his figure looming over me. I didn’t invite him to sit beside me, but he did. “Thanks,” I said, “for making me realize a lot of things.”
Mark let out a hollow laugh. “Jeff might accuse me of ruining his life the second time around.”
I shook my head. “No. It wasn’t your fault. I realized those things the minute I saw Jeff’s reaction when he saw Charlene. No worries.”
“What are you going to do?” he asked. I stayed silent, not wanting to say the words.
“You guys still not done with the bonding time?”
I looked up and saw Jeff, and he was carrying a bottle of beer. “Are you done with your own bonding time?” I asked back, and he smiled bitterly. “That wasn’t a bonding time. You two, however, look so comfy with each other,” he said, and I stood up and grabbed the beer bottle from him, handing it to Mark who would probably know how to dispose of it. “That’s the booze talking. Come on, we’re heading back to the room.”
“Stay away from Raya,” Jeff warned Mark before he allowed me to drag him back into the resthouse. I gave Mark an apologetic look before heaving Jeff’s arm over my shoulder, laboriously trudging him to our room.
“You like Mark?”
I rolled my eyes at him as I threw him onto the bed. I kicked the door to a close, wiping the sweat on my forehead because of the work I did in carrying him into the room. “No. And I don’t like you right now either,” I told him, and he laughed in a real drunk way. “Why? Because Mark’s better? Did you kiss him too?”
I had the urge to seriously slap him. “No, because you’re drunk, and you’re hopeless.”
I sat at the edge of the bed, weak, and watched him as he rolled on the bed towards me.
“I talked to Charlene. And she said she wants me to be happy. That she wants me to move on,” Jeff said, slurring some of his words, and I nodded, biting my lower lip to hold back my tears. “I heard that speech a year ago already. That doesn’t help, you know. What does she want me to do? If everything just leads back to her? If all the plans that I’ve made in my life was with her and all about her and all about us? If I am not whole because I am not with her?”
I hit him on the chest angrily and repeatedly. “She wants you to move on, Jeff! She wants you to make new plans with your own life because life doesn’t end when one person leaves! She wants you to make yourself whole! She wants you to stop being the pathetic git that you are now. She wants you to pick yourself up from this mess because nothing else and no one else is going to do that for you!”
Jeff stopped me from hitting him again and he held my hand to his chest, directly above his heart. It was only now that I noticed that he was crying. “This heart—my heart—can only take so much, Raya. And when I saw her again, I just felt like the million pieces I was holding together crumbled again.” I finally let my tears go as well, and he and I had a tear fest.
I pulled Jeff towards me and placed his head on my lap. He sobbed and cried for as long as I could remember, and when he stopped he was too tired to even function. He fell asleep, and I just shook my head, finally reaching a resolve.
I knew what I am going to do, and when I am going to do it.
Day Twenty-Nine: Run From Them
I seriously believe that even drunk people remember what happened when they were spaced out because of the booze.
Proof?
“I am sorry,” Jeff said the minute I opened my eyes. I could hear the birds chirping outside, and I knew it was paradise. I like this nature feel. The sun was peeking through the leaves of the trees strategically placed outside the window, and I could hear the ocean waves as they crash onto the shore.
“Uh-huh,” I said, wiping the sleep off my eyes. No point in denying anything—for I took just one look into Jeff’s eyes and I knew he remembered what happened. I wanted to skip this conversation and just eat breakfast.
He perched his head on his elbow and gazed into my eyes. “I was out of line last night. I really don’t remember what I actually said, but the gist of it is still in my head,” he said.
I rolled my eyes. “Forget it. I thought we were supposed to be enjoying this weekend? Whatever that was—”
“Whatever that was, we have to talk about it,” Jeff interjected.
I grimaced. “Do we talk about you telling Mark to stay away from me or the events after that?” I asked smugly. I sat up on the bed and combed my hair with my hands.
“Both.”
“Shoot,” I told him, and Jeff breathed deeply. “I am sorry about Mark. That was irrational and unreasonable,” he said, beginning whatever he and I had to talk about.
“Yeah,” I agreed. “And I am not Charlene. Nor do I go for married men.”
Jeff winced. “Regarding Charlene—”
“Ah. Charlene.”
He ran his hands through his face as if washing it underwater and rearranged his position so that he was seating across me. It was like our first night together—only we’re in Bolinao and we’re technically fighting.
“I love her—”
“Evidently.”
He glared at me. “I didn’t know one of your hobbies included cutting me off,” he said, his tone frustrated. I gave him a fake smile. “Well, it only comes out when I am mad at you, and you look so cute when you’re angry,” I said in a singsong voice. He sighed impatiently and said in an urgent tone, “I love her but I have to move on. I have to let her go.”
I was about to say a nasty retort when there came a series of knocks on the door. He held up a hand to silence me and went to get it.
Jonathan had a bright face on and said, “Breakfast?” I heard Jeff mumble a “sure,” and closed the door on his face, probably shocking Jonathan. I stood up and started to fix myself, taking a scrunchie to tidy up my messy hair.
“Raya—”
“I am hungry,” I said dismissively. I headed for the door and he stopped me by the arm. “I was supposed to give you this last night, before we had this grand hoopla,” Jeff said, and he opened the nearby drawer and retrieved a package. He handed it to me and I eyed him warily.
“You always give me gifts,” I said, and Jeff grinned. “You deserve to be showered by them,” he said, and I detected sincerity in his voice. I couldn’t avoid, though, rolling my eyes at the absurdity of the situation. Yeah, with all the heartaches? I thought.
I tore open the package and my jaw just dropped.
My novel.
Okay, make that plural. My novels—printed, published, complete with a cover that was split into two by a diagonal. Fall as the book one, and Solace as the second book in the volume.
Fall and Solace are now officially a book—at least not the type you see in the bookstore, but the type of book that you can flip through, hold, with a cover and my name written in front. I ran my hands through the white pages and looked up at him, tears glistening in my eyes.
“How did you—”
He smiled. “You published these online and I read through them. I got the soft copies of both stories from your laptop while you were asleep. I had a friend who has connections with a publishing company, and he made ten copies for me,” Jeff explained. “The other nine copies are in Manila. You can give them to your friends, or we can submit them legitimately to publishing houses.”
I hugged him. Real tight. “I am still mad at you,” I said after a long while, and Jeff nodded.
“I know.”
“But thank you.”
“We still have to talk later.”
“Yeah.”
Jeff kissed me on the forehead before opening the door for me. I placed the book on the bedside table and went out to him to have breakfast, my feelings even more conflicted.
“Hey. You lovebirds want to join us? Snorkeling and then spelunking.”
I felt Jeff looked at me for an answer as I sipped my buko juice and decided to ignore Jonathan. I didn’t even glance at Jeff, for that would merit that I would have to tell him whether or not I would want to go.
“Sure,” Jeff said, giving up that I wouldn’t tell him anything. Jonathan had concluded he need not ask me, so he told Jeff, “We’ll leave in thirty,” and then he left Jeff and me to talk to another pair of lovebirds, Charlene and Mark.
“Wanna come with us?” Jeff whispered into my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “Snorkeling and spelunking’s fun,” he urged, and I shook my head. “Nah. I am not feeling well. You go ahead and bond with your friends. Have some male bonding,” I told him, giving him a small smile. His forehead creased when he heard I wasn’t feeling well, and he immediately felt for my temperature.
I reached up and removed his hands from my face. “I just feel a little light-headed, don’t worry. I’d just try and sleep this one off,” I said, and he looked at me for a long while, trying to ascertain if I was, indeed, telling the truth.
“Sure?” Jeff pressed again. I nodded.
“Yes, I am certain.”
Jeff leaned closer and placed his lips on mine very momentarily. “I’ll see you later?” he said, and I didn’t speak. He wouldn’t want to hear the answer to that one. He pressed his lips against mine, more demanding and passionately this time, but it ended real quickly. “I’ll be back,” Jeff said, and I sighed. I watched him walk away, a grim look on his face.
I sure hope he will enjoy his male bonding trip.
“Hey.”
I looked up from the clothes that I was packing and saw Charlene at the door. I waved her and her blue flowery dress in. “You didn’t come with the guys in the snorkeling and spelunking? Maybe they’d make an exception for you,” I asked, and she shook her head. “Mark didn’t want me to go with them. Said it’s safer for me and the baby,” she said, her hand touching her tummy. I smiled at her, and she sat down at the edge of the bed. Stupid me, why do I have to ask? I thought.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “We’re staying here for four days, remember? We’re just in the second day.”
I folded my bathing suit and stuffed it in the pocket of my backpack. “My data’s coming in tomorrow, so I’m working on a holiday.”
She shook her head. “You can do better than that,” she said, and I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Why are you leaving, Raya? It’s not work. I have a very good feeling that that isn’t the reason.”
I sat down on the bed and zipped my backpack close. “I’m leaving because I can’t take it anymore,” I told her honestly.
“Can’t take what anymore?”
I sighed impatiently. “Charlene, you talked to Jeff last night. Does he look like someone who has moved on to you?” I snapped, and she shook her head. “I know you don’t love him anymore, but he loves you still. Very much. And I can’t take that. I am not going to stay to get my heart broken all over again.”
“You love Jeff,” Charlene said, almost amusedly.
I laughed sarcastically. “I do. Amazingly, I do. But he doesn’t want to be with me, Charlene. I am the second best option next to you. And since he can’t have you, he’s staying with me.”
Charlene sighed. “When I broke up with Jeff and cancelled the wedding, I had wanted him to move on just like I did. I wanted him to be happy. I even stayed away from the barkada so that he won’t see me. Mark and I weren’t supposed to be here in this vacation, but Jade and Sandra had pleaded for me not to miss another outing. I’ve tried to help him in moving on by not showing myself to him—”
“Apparently that didn’t help. Ever heard of the saying ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder?’” I cut in.
She stared at me. “You’ve made up your mind that you’re leaving him,” she concluded. I handed her the book that Jeff had given me earlier. I had stuck a post-it there explaining where I’ve gone. And if he’s smart enough, he’d find my real note written on the front flap. “Yeah. I have. Give this to him, will you?” I said, and she nodded.
“Is this the official version you told me a while ago, or a bullshit version to save him from more misery?” Charlene said, taking the note from me. I smiled. “The bullshit version, but I guess Jeff’s smart enough to read between the lines. Maybe he and I can talk when in Manila, but as of now, I don’t want to,” I told her, and she stood up and hugged me.
“I don’t know what to say. I want to tell you that Jeff’s lucky he has you, but…” Her voice trailed. She released me from the hug and I grabbed my backpack, did a quick scan of the place if I had left anything, and then turned to her.
“Goodbye,” I said, and she nodded.
“Goodbye, Raya.”
—
Your Door Marked Exit 